On Grief and Grieving

I know it sounds morbid to talk about death in the face of the living. I know it is hard to discuss death where many would feel uncomfortable.

Whenever my mom talked to me about the arrangement of her funeral, I felt uneasy and queasy. It is as if death is near. We all know death is inevitable but I have foolishly hoped that if we don't talk about it, we could delay it as much as possible.

Both my parents were in subprime health since their 50s. My dad suffered from diabetes, hypertension and later he developed total renal failure. We were helpless and witnessed the decline of his health a day at a time until he must undergo haemodialysis to sustain his life. Frequent visits to the dialysis centre and numerous trips to the emergency room for blood transfusion, there was never an easy moment. In the initial stage, my dad took it out on my mom and I as he was in the stage of denial and anger. During his last days, he uttered to me, "For death, one can only face it alone, all by oneself." When he passed away, I was devastated. I felt a sense of deept guilt for not giving him the best medical care and was responsible for his prolonged suffering.

My mom also suffered from diabetes and hypertension. She had a cardiac infarction which left her with a weak heart. Later she has to undergo amputation surgery of her right leg (below knee) because of gangrene on the foot. Maybe it is a common characteristic of female, my mom has a higher level of tolerance and endurance towards pain and illness. After my dad's demise, I was able to give my full attention to my mom to ensure she has a high quality of life despite her invalid status. She had lived her life in dignity and never become a burden to me despite my frequent travel to Shanghai then.

I have found solace and refuge from reading the following books by renowned authors on the subjects of death and grief . The books are written in an empathetic and sensitive manner and it covers the full spectrum of human emotions in the face of dying and grieving. Equip yourself with such insightful knowledge will bring peace within oneself and the understanding of those in grief and dying.

"On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

-- for the person who faces terminal illnesses and coping with the 5 stages of dying, and all those with an interest in bereavement.

"The Needs of the Dying" by David Kessler

-- A guide for bringing hope, comfort, and love to life's final chapter.

"On Grief and Grieving" co-author by Kubler-Ross and Kessler

-- deeply empathetic and accessible guide for those in grief, fuses practical wisdom with spiritual insight as it forges a path to wholeness.