Secrets

Can you keep a secret? Are you keeping your secrets from your loved one? What is the intention that these secrets has remained as secrets from them? Is it to protect them from being hurt? Is it based on some selfish motive? Was it something that happened in the past that you aren't so proud of?

"A secret ultimately doesn't change the person you knew. Every facet of a diamond is real, but each is a different view, so don't let all that you held clear about your loved one be negated by some other part of them. What you knew was real. What you found out was most likely real also. If it was negative, do your best to realise they were merely mortal just as you are. Forgive them if you need to, and try to accept the parts of them you didn't know. Death can invade our privacy and deprive us of the chance to explain our actions."

What if your loved ones found out about the secrets that you have been intentionally or unintentionally hiding from them? Is it the secret itself that's hurting the person, or is it the act of hiding the secrets from your loved ones that is hurting the relationship?

"Your loved one may never have intended to share all of himself with you. If you think about it, you most likely did not share all of yourself as well. Just imagine the shoe being on the other foot. What if you had died? Are there secrets your loved on would find out about you? Many people find compassion for their loved one when they think about the tables being turned on their secrets."

What if we see it from the other person's perspective? What if we are also guilty from keeping some secrets from them? What if it was something that was mentioned before but was not taken seriously then? What if it was something that happened in his past before you came into his life? Would you rather continue to feel hurt then to forgive?

Quotes taken from page 88 and 89 of the book "On Grief and Grieving" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.

Emotion Roller Coaster

When we're little, our parents would prohibit us from engaging in games like running or shouting in the evening before bedtime. All for the reason so that we did not become overly excited and had nightmares in the middle of the night. It is probably to prevent riding on a "Emotion Roller Coaster."

Throughout our daily events and encounters, we come across strong emotions like hatred, rejection, exhilaration, euphoria, abhorrence, cheerfulness, inspiration, etc. Lately, I have problem like waking up in the dead of the nights; tearing upon reminiscing some sad events in life, feeling vulnerable and helpless. I am riding on my emotion roller coaster again.

Many thoughts were going through my head, many scenes were like still shots or movie runs being played back in the eyes of my mind. With the aid of the sharing and reflections, I wonder if I am going through an emotional overloaded experience.

There are peaks and valleys of the best and worst emotions, except that everything was happening so fast. It is like sitting through a 2 hours thriller movie and the adrenalin, endorphin and cortisol are pumping endlessly. One moment I could feel triumphant and heave a sigh of great relief; and the next moment I could be at the bottom of my emotional ride feeling downcast and dejected.

I don't have to go through this exercise, I could crawl back to my comfort zone. I could shut down the roller coaster and let numbness engulfs me. I want to shield myself from the emotional elements.

Crying is a strong emotion. Since young, the boys were taught not to cry as it is associated with being weak and meek. When the emotions are raw and tender, there is no gateway to relief the immense pain. Crying is actually a form of catharsis. When I have no one to spill my guts or I am eating my heart out, I find crying is probably the best pain relief.

On Grief and Grieving

I know it sounds morbid to talk about death in the face of the living. I know it is hard to discuss death where many would feel uncomfortable.

Whenever my mom talked to me about the arrangement of her funeral, I felt uneasy and queasy. It is as if death is near. We all know death is inevitable but I have foolishly hoped that if we don't talk about it, we could delay it as much as possible.

Both my parents were in subprime health since their 50s. My dad suffered from diabetes, hypertension and later he developed total renal failure. We were helpless and witnessed the decline of his health a day at a time until he must undergo haemodialysis to sustain his life. Frequent visits to the dialysis centre and numerous trips to the emergency room for blood transfusion, there was never an easy moment. In the initial stage, my dad took it out on my mom and I as he was in the stage of denial and anger. During his last days, he uttered to me, "For death, one can only face it alone, all by oneself." When he passed away, I was devastated. I felt a sense of deept guilt for not giving him the best medical care and was responsible for his prolonged suffering.

My mom also suffered from diabetes and hypertension. She had a cardiac infarction which left her with a weak heart. Later she has to undergo amputation surgery of her right leg (below knee) because of gangrene on the foot. Maybe it is a common characteristic of female, my mom has a higher level of tolerance and endurance towards pain and illness. After my dad's demise, I was able to give my full attention to my mom to ensure she has a high quality of life despite her invalid status. She had lived her life in dignity and never become a burden to me despite my frequent travel to Shanghai then.

I have found solace and refuge from reading the following books by renowned authors on the subjects of death and grief . The books are written in an empathetic and sensitive manner and it covers the full spectrum of human emotions in the face of dying and grieving. Equip yourself with such insightful knowledge will bring peace within oneself and the understanding of those in grief and dying.

"On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

-- for the person who faces terminal illnesses and coping with the 5 stages of dying, and all those with an interest in bereavement.

"The Needs of the Dying" by David Kessler

-- A guide for bringing hope, comfort, and love to life's final chapter.

"On Grief and Grieving" co-author by Kubler-Ross and Kessler

-- deeply empathetic and accessible guide for those in grief, fuses practical wisdom with spiritual insight as it forges a path to wholeness.